I move into my new place in just a few days. My own place. Like a big girl.

But like a big girl, I have to sort through my years and years of “memory boxes” of little pieces that somehow mean something to me in some way. True, most are movie tickets from first dates, or 19+ wristbands from an amazing night when I was underage.. but I’ve found a lot more than that.

Today I stumbled upon a box marked “For Heather”. Obviously this peeked my curiousity. So I took it out of storage (and almost fell and broke my neck doing so) and opened it up. It contained a jewelry box full of my mother’s beautiful necklaces and bracelets. It contained a wallet that I remember giving my mother (and she so proudly sported) that was purple that had “The World’s Best Mom” in silly pink letters. It had all of her identification, including her driver’s licence, sin card, health card, CBC security card, and her Canadian citizenship card. It had pictures of my family that I had never seen before, my mom’s favourite sweater (baby blue with 3 sharpei’s on it), her favourite royal blue dress, and most importantly, her wedding dress and vail.

This hit my hard because I had my dad telling me for years that one day I will get a box with my mother’s things in it.. and today was the day. I had been waiting for this day for so long. And it’s here.. and I have this box in my posession, and I don’t quite know how to feel.

I feel happy because I now have what I’ve been waiting for and wanting for so long, but I’m also sad because that was the last thing for me to recieve that will connect me to my mom.

As I tried on the vail, a smile came over my face, but tears also filled my eyes because yes, it was beautiful and yes, I had been waiting to have this in my hands for so long. But also, yes, I yet again remembered that my mom will never actually get to see me wear this vail. Today, or any other day. Especially my wedding.

I never expected all these emotions to come to my while packing. I’ve moved several times before. But this is a permanent move. I will never move home ever again. This isn’t just short term while I’m away at school. This. Is. Life.

I have boxes upon boxes of stuffed animals all from my childhood. My dad and I had the talk of what to do with all of them. His idea was for me to suck it up and take the ones that mean the most to me and to donate the rest. But the thing is, all of them mean the most to me. They remind me of better times. Of times when our family was happy. Of times where I would play with my dolls with my mom. Of times when my mom was sick and I would put on plays with them for her entertainment.

I’ve been extremely emotion this past week or so and I took some time to figure out why. Yes the obvious reasons like my grandpa’s passing and my cousin trying to committ suicide, but also that I am growing up. I am becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I am following my heart and trying to live my life. I am getting out of this house and starting fresh. I hopefully will get my healthy relationship back with my dad where I’m no longer in his house bugging him, instead I’m on my own, making him proud, doing my own thing.

This has been the biggest ramble.. but it was really needed. I needed to vent, rant, spew words of growth.

I am growing up.

I am… growing.. up…